Hmmmm

Well, everything has been ok I suppose. My eyes were completely fricked by my purging! And have bruises all over my fingers, so overall I'm a bit of a failure lol. The next day for dinner we had enchilladas, but that was ok because I opened the wrap and just ate the filling with some salad. Inside was just refried beans (which I made and are surprisingly low cal and I could use the protein!) and red pepper, onion and mushroom (again which I made so no oil and dry spices so good cal wise). It was quite a small portion so deffo under 100cal but had a small amount of muesli for afters which messed me up a bit. However I'm addicted to muesli and it triggers my binges ALOT so I'm jst pleased I didn't binge. My stomach wouldn't have been able to take it! I felt so queezy after jst a small meal, left over feelings from the previous night I guess. Tonight I did well also I prepared 50g of bulgar wheat with mushroom, pepper, sweetcorn and brocolli, over all plenty under 100 cals and I only ate half. :)My mum said I can have the other half for dinner tomorrow! Again had muesli but haven't binged. It's like now I know I can purge I use it to threaten myself, like 'you can eat that but you will have to throw it up', and so far that is stopping me :).
Other than with food though, my few days have sucked. I've been under a dark cloud and jst crying ALL the time. I'm not sure what was wrong, though my dad did insinuate that I needed to put more effort into my appearance (I wish he knew how much I AM trying!). With this mood it's hard to motivate myself to exercise, and if I could have been fasting I would have just layed in bed, but I couldn't fast so I did ok with the exercise, just not excellent. Didn't cut, which is surprising (I don't restrict that at all as I do it on the top of my leg so no one sees, so it doesn't matter)but I did think about cutting my arms up alot! But didn't. And that's about it. Soon I'll work out how to put up thinspo lol. Hope you and I stay strong :)
<3

Dinner today

Dinner tonight was pizza. My dad makes everything from scratch, so like dough, sauce, the toppings are home grown. Basically what I'm trying to say is it's unavoidable, plus my dad makes it as a treat for us which means I can't pick at it and eat hardly anything - I can't hurt his feelings like that. I felt like I was being cornered by this meal, like I was forced to be eating even though I knew I could have gone longer without eating -I could have been fasting, I know I could have made it. This cornered feeling made me panic, I couldn't imagine having the food inside me, especially when it wasn't my choice to put it there. I decided I would have to purge it. I've had binge eating disorder for like three years and never decided this! I guess it's because I choose a binge (not really but it's my fault) but I didn't choose this meal. I realised that if I managed to purge this meal I could do the same with other dinners, and as such would look like I have regular eating patterns to my family. So dinner came. I made sure not to eat the crusts, and not to eat too much, in case I failed at purging and I needed to count the calories. My dad made me eat some garlic bread as he said he made it for me. All the food was slowly filling me, I could feel it suffocating me, drowning me in the calories. I started seeing my wrists getting fatter, forming round the string of my red ana bracelet. I knew it wasn't real, that it wouldn't show so fast, but it felt real. I finished and rapidly started cleaning the table and escaped upstairs. The first time I tried, it didn't work. I was gutted and felt like a failure in a whole new way. Then my mum called saying she was taking my sister out. My dad was in the garden, I was alone in the house. This was all I needed. I did it. I'm not sure if I got it all but I got enough. Best thing, my appetite is completly gone so don't want to eat again. Worst thing, I don't know when I can brush my teeth! I know ur not meant to straight away, but when? I'll leave it an hour. I'm only going to use this when I'm forced to eat fattening meals. Anyway that's my today.

Hello

Hi, I'm new to all this so I will probably be dreadful. Firstly this may get a bit heavy so I apologise for that in advance! Also I'm an awful speller, which can get annoying, so sorry for that too. I might need to change the about me part of this blog so people are more instantly aware that i struggle with various ED's (it took alot to even just say that then, as normally I wouldn't) and I'm a bit of a cutter, depressive. Hopefully this will save me from having to go to the doctor.
I'll keep this first post short, as a kind of an introduction, but I want to thank my lovely email ana buddy who convinced me to do this - lets see if it works!