Hmmmm

Well, everything has been ok I suppose. My eyes were completely fricked by my purging! And have bruises all over my fingers, so overall I'm a bit of a failure lol. The next day for dinner we had enchilladas, but that was ok because I opened the wrap and just ate the filling with some salad. Inside was just refried beans (which I made and are surprisingly low cal and I could use the protein!) and red pepper, onion and mushroom (again which I made so no oil and dry spices so good cal wise). It was quite a small portion so deffo under 100cal but had a small amount of muesli for afters which messed me up a bit. However I'm addicted to muesli and it triggers my binges ALOT so I'm jst pleased I didn't binge. My stomach wouldn't have been able to take it! I felt so queezy after jst a small meal, left over feelings from the previous night I guess. Tonight I did well also I prepared 50g of bulgar wheat with mushroom, pepper, sweetcorn and brocolli, over all plenty under 100 cals and I only ate half. :)My mum said I can have the other half for dinner tomorrow! Again had muesli but haven't binged. It's like now I know I can purge I use it to threaten myself, like 'you can eat that but you will have to throw it up', and so far that is stopping me :).
Other than with food though, my few days have sucked. I've been under a dark cloud and jst crying ALL the time. I'm not sure what was wrong, though my dad did insinuate that I needed to put more effort into my appearance (I wish he knew how much I AM trying!). With this mood it's hard to motivate myself to exercise, and if I could have been fasting I would have just layed in bed, but I couldn't fast so I did ok with the exercise, just not excellent. Didn't cut, which is surprising (I don't restrict that at all as I do it on the top of my leg so no one sees, so it doesn't matter)but I did think about cutting my arms up alot! But didn't. And that's about it. Soon I'll work out how to put up thinspo lol. Hope you and I stay strong :)
<3