Dinner today

Dinner tonight was pizza. My dad makes everything from scratch, so like dough, sauce, the toppings are home grown. Basically what I'm trying to say is it's unavoidable, plus my dad makes it as a treat for us which means I can't pick at it and eat hardly anything - I can't hurt his feelings like that. I felt like I was being cornered by this meal, like I was forced to be eating even though I knew I could have gone longer without eating -I could have been fasting, I know I could have made it. This cornered feeling made me panic, I couldn't imagine having the food inside me, especially when it wasn't my choice to put it there. I decided I would have to purge it. I've had binge eating disorder for like three years and never decided this! I guess it's because I choose a binge (not really but it's my fault) but I didn't choose this meal. I realised that if I managed to purge this meal I could do the same with other dinners, and as such would look like I have regular eating patterns to my family. So dinner came. I made sure not to eat the crusts, and not to eat too much, in case I failed at purging and I needed to count the calories. My dad made me eat some garlic bread as he said he made it for me. All the food was slowly filling me, I could feel it suffocating me, drowning me in the calories. I started seeing my wrists getting fatter, forming round the string of my red ana bracelet. I knew it wasn't real, that it wouldn't show so fast, but it felt real. I finished and rapidly started cleaning the table and escaped upstairs. The first time I tried, it didn't work. I was gutted and felt like a failure in a whole new way. Then my mum called saying she was taking my sister out. My dad was in the garden, I was alone in the house. This was all I needed. I did it. I'm not sure if I got it all but I got enough. Best thing, my appetite is completly gone so don't want to eat again. Worst thing, I don't know when I can brush my teeth! I know ur not meant to straight away, but when? I'll leave it an hour. I'm only going to use this when I'm forced to eat fattening meals. Anyway that's my today.